The Clipboard Crusader

The Clipboard Crusader

The Clipboard Crusader
aka The Decline of Morale by Passive-Aggressive Email

Ever watch a low-level power trip in real time? I did.
It was a Tuesday, which already felt rude.

Before the promotion, he was tolerable.
The kind of guy who took notes in meetings no one asked for, showed up early, alphabetized the ketchup — basically harmless.

Then someone gave him a clipboard.
And everything changed.

He went from “mildly helpful” to “mall cop with a God complex” overnight.
Now he patrols the workplace like he’s been deployed by Corporate Command to neutralize the threat of unsanctioned lunch breaks.

Micromanagement isn’t just a tendency anymore — it’s a calling.

He doesn’t help. He hovers.
Doesn’t lead. He supervises.
Doesn’t contribute. He documents.

He stations himself in front of the timeclock like a Walmart greeter with a superiority complex.
Ten seconds late? You’re getting written up.
Every. Single. Time.

The dopamine hit he gets from issuing warnings is almost visible. He taps the clipboard like a judge at a sentencing hearing.
Once scolded someone for clocking in at 7:59 because they weren’t “mentally clocked in” yet.
That’s not policy. That’s a cult.

He uses phrases like “standard operating alignment” when someone forgets to refill the coffee.
Schedules follow-ups for the previous follow-ups.
Sends out mandatory post-meeting surveys… about meetings that should’ve been emails… that he scheduled.

And oh, the emails.

Every day: walls of text, corporate buzzwords, formatting like a PowerPoint exploded.
Each one ending with the battle cry: “Reply All so we’re aligned.”

By Friday, the thread’s longer than a civil lawsuit, and somehow no one knows what the hell they're supposed to be doing.

He brags about “tightening up the ship” while handing out pizza coupons like performance bonuses.
Claims they’re incentives — “perks for team players.”
Says his cousin Tony owns the pizza joint up the street.
It’s a $5 pizza dive with a flickering “OPEN” sign and suspicious cheese.
The coupons? 10% off.
A fifty-cent gesture of corporate appreciation — expired, of course.

He prints motivational quotes and staples them over the fire exit.
Uses Comic Sans.
Laminates things that don’t need laminating.

He thinks “accountability” means never admitting he’s wrong.
He thinks "leadership" means eye contact is optional but clipboard posture is sacred.

His eyes don’t look. They scan — not for conversation, but for noncompliance.
He isn’t building a team. He’s conducting a sweep.

He’s weaponized policy.
He’s outsourced trust.
He’s laminated his soul.

And the best part?

Nobody respects him.
Upper management ignores him.
And HR already has a folder with his name on it — not for promotion, but because someone reported him for using the phrase “alpha energy” during conflict resolution training.

Diagnosis:
– Promotion-Induced Power Spiral
– Clipboard Dependency Disorder
– Task-Oriented Narcissism (with passive-aggressive flare-ups)

Treatment:
Thirty-day detox from all non-essential documentation.
Zero speaking privileges in meetings.
Mandatory immersion in a functional workplace where people like their manager.

Moral:
A clipboard doesn’t make you important.
It just gives you something to hold while you slowly alienate everyone around you.

#ClipboardCultist #ReplyAllReaper #MiddleManagerMadness #WorkplaceWreckage #MicromanageMuch #PassiveAggressivePowerTrips #DailyDumb