The Side Mirror Stalker

 

Side Mirror Stalker

aka: The Parking Lot Pressure Creep (and Other Clingy Vehicular Menaces)

I don’t ask much from humanity — just functional blinkers, basic spatial awareness, and the common sense to not hover like a caffeinated mosquito in my blind spot.

But then comes the Side Mirror Stalker. The passive-aggressive parasite of public driving. The wheeled barnacle who doesn’t want to pass you — just linger. Forever. Like a fart in an elevator.

And oh, do they have variants.

🚗 Variant 1: The Highway Hitchhiker

This clingy creature locks onto your rear quarter panel at highway speeds like you’re tow-hauling their emotional baggage. You speed up? They do too. Slow down? Oh look, they’re still there. Not overtaking. Not fading back. Just… matching your soul. Hovering in your blind spot like they’re skitching their way through Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater: Life Edition.

Diagnosis: Lane Shadowing Addiction
Treatment: Cut the cord. Go find your own cruise control.
Moral: You’re not co-piloting. You’re loitering at 70mph.

🛞 Variant 2: The Merge Saboteur

You flick your blinker. Check your mirrors. Make your move. But they see it. And suddenly — they accelerate. Because if anyone’s going to take that lane, it damn sure won’t be you.

Diagnosis: Merge Derangement Syndrome
Treatment: A sedative and a traffic therapist.
Moral: If your gas pedal only works when someone else needs room, you’re the problem.

🅿️ Variant 3: The Spot Vulture

You’re clearly waiting for someone to back out. Reverse lights are on. You’ve signaled. You’re parked a respectful distance away. Then creeps the Stalker — slow-rolling past your passenger window, eyeing your claim like it’s beachfront property in Malibu. You make eye contact, and suddenly they’re “just turning around.”

Diagnosis: Entitled Circleback Syndrome
Treatment: Reality-based directional awareness.
Moral: You don’t get to pre-steal someone else’s patience.

🚷 Variant 4: The Crosswalk Cop

You’re backing out. Mirrors clear. Reverse lights on. Then — a pedestrian appears. Not in the crosswalk. Not walking. Just standing there. Pointing. Waving you out like a traffic cop during rush hour who moonlights as a mime. Are they helping? Are they judging? Who knows. Either way, they’re blocking your escape route with exaggerated facial expressions and the energy of a substitute teacher on power trip day.

Diagnosis: Proximity Hero Syndrome
Treatment: A cone of shame and a pamphlet on pedestrian boundaries.
Moral: You’re not helping if you’re in the way. That’s not guidance. That’s sabotage.

💢 Variant 5: The Parking Lot Pressure Creep

You’re in your car. Seatbelt off. Just taking a moment to breathe, dig for sunglasses, queue up your playlist — whatever. Then suddenly, *they appear.* Hovering inches behind your bumper. Signal on. Car angled. Eyes locked.

They don’t give you room. They don’t back up. They just sit there. Glowering. Breathing through their mouth. Waiting for you to magically vanish so they can inherit your spot like it’s some kind of poorly documented timeshare.

When you don’t move fast enough? Oh, the drama:

Hands flailing in the air like they're astounded by your level of stupidity, complete with a derogatory hand gesture confirming they think you’re the problem causing the traffic jam.

Then — the second you manage to back out (after contorting like a forklift in a phone booth)? They swerve in like a stunned ferret. No wave. No acknowledgment. Just smug superiority and the righteous aura of someone who believes waiting five seconds is oppression.

Summary Diagnosis:

• Lane Commitment Avoidance Disorder
• Spatial Insecurity Syndrome
• Reverse-Block Reflex
• Inflated Spot Entitlement (ISE)
• Mirror Narcissism with Co-Pilot Complex

Treatment:

• Mandatory blind spot awareness training with a PowerPoint and live fire drill.
• Prescribed dose of spatial courtesy, 3x daily — or as directed by your local DMV therapist.
• Mirror meditation therapy: stare at your own reflection until you understand you're not the main character.

Moral:

If you can see them, but they can’t see you,
That’s not strategy — it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

If you want the spot, give the driver a shot —
At actually pulling out without triggering your insurance deductible.

#SideMirrorStalker #BlindSpotBarnacle #MergeSaboteur #ParkingLotPurgatory #LaneLeeches #EntitlementOnWheels #TonyHawkTailgateEdition #SituationalAwareness #EtiquetteEviscerations #Balldacity