The Abandoned Hair Apocalypse

by Morghan Rhiatt — unwilling chronicler of America’s follicular unraveling

I’ve seen many baffling things in my life — human behavior is a never-ending talent show of “you cannot possibly be serious right now” — but nothing, NOTHING, unsettles me quite like the abandoned hair epidemic sweeping across this nation.

It is EVERYWHERE.

Parking lots.
Sidewalks.
Intersections.
Dollar General.
Target.
Gas stations.
Beaches — the BEACHES, dear God.

Hair. Just… there.
Detached from its host.
Splayed dramatically.
Looking exhausted, offended, and vaguely sentient.

The first time I saw it, I thought,
“Eh, weird trash.”
But the second time?
The third time?
The eighteenth time this WEEK?

No.
No, something is wrong.
Something is very wrong.

Because once you SEE abandoned hair,
you see it EVERYWHERE.

Hairpieces are out here living their best lives, making independent decisions like teenagers sneaking out after curfew.

Naturally, I have questions.
So many questions.

I. THE QUESTIONS (and they only get worse)

1. Who is shedding hairstyles like they’re molting snakes?

Is this seasonal? Are we in shedding season?

2. What level of stress causes someone to abandon an ENTIRE hair unit??
You don’t just remove a wig like a coat.

3. Is the hair ESCAPING willingly?
Has it seen too much?

4. Why do abandoned pieces always look like deceased woodland creatures?

5. How is the bun STILL INTACT?
Perfect. Round. Unbothered.

6. Are they mating?
I’ve seen two tumbleweaves merge.

7. Why are they never in normal places?
Always dead-center in life-or-death traffic zones.

8. Why does EVERY ONE OF THEM LOOK FRESHLY ESCAPED?

9. Are they alive?
Some reach. Some curl. Some nap.

10. Why does no one EVER pick them up?
Even janitors avoid them.

11. Are they migrating?
I’ve seen tumbleweaves roll with purpose.

12. Why do toupees LOOK like they died tragically?

13. Are there hair drop points?
Some placements feel ritualistic.

14. Is this an offering?
Appeasing asphalt deities?

15. WHO is uninstalling them so cleanly?
This is professional-level removal.

16. ARE THESE BEING YEETED OUT OF MOVING VEHICLES?

II. THE LOCATIONS

Parking lots. Their natural ecosystem.
Sidewalks. Urban migration routes.
Intersections. Tumbleweaves lying in wait.
Dumpsters. Hair that has given up.
Gas pumps. Always gas pumps.

The Aquatic Variant

The ocean has REJECTED wigs.

I once saw a hairpiece wash ashore like a shipwreck survivor — wet, flattened, emotionally altered.

The Atlantic spit it out like,
“Absolutely not. Return to land.”

The Windshield Wiper Incident

This was not abandonment.
This was a message.

Someone tucked a whole hairpiece under a car’s wiper — not dropped, not blown, but PLACED.

That hairpiece said:
“You know what you did. I see you.”
“This is your final warning.”

III. WHY WOMEN LOSE HAIRPIECES

The Sweat-Rage Threshold
Clip-ins that surrender mid-hug
The Wig Cap Mutiny
Children
Club-night heat + regret
Breakup meltdowns
Oceanic theft
The wig that CHOSE freedom

IV. WHY MEN LOSE HAIRPIECES

Denial + wind
The itchy scalp snap
Sweat betrayal
Rearview mirror overconfidence
Sneeze propagation
Heat rage
The Bedroom Incident (no comment)
Quiet resignation

V. WHAT PEOPLE THINK WHEN THEY SEE ABANDONED HAIR

Women: “What happened to her??”
Men: “Babe… something died.”
Children: “Can I touch it??”
DoorDash drivers: “I’m running it over.”
Everyone: “Don’t touch it.”

VI. THE HAIRPOCALYPSE

This is where things escalate.

I have seen:

Three abandoned hairpieces clustered like a meeting
A braid coiled like a snake
A toupee perched like a lookout
A bun centered like a territorial marker
Tumbleweaves rolling with intent
A clump hiding under a dumpster like it witnessed a crime

These are patterns.
These are routes.
These are behaviors.

I fear the hairpieces are evolving — coordinating.

The windshield wiper incident was not a fluke.
It was a warning shot.

DIAGNOSIS

Chronic Follicle Abandonment Disorder
Toupee Traumatic Ejection Syndrome
Wandering Weave Phenomenon
Clustered Keratin Unrest
Public Shedding Without Consent

TREATMENT

Secure your hair like your social security number.
Avoid emotional wig-removal events.
Do NOT discard synthetic organisms.
Keep a five-foot radius.
If it moves on its own — run.

MORAL

If your hairpiece has a richer travel history or stronger survival instincts than you…
it’s time to reevaluate your attachment strategy.

#AbandonedHairApocalypse #DumbDecisionsDaily #ParkingLotHair #Tumbleweaves #HairpieceMigration #ToupeeTrauma #WeaveEscape #FollicularFails #PublicShedding #MorghanRhiattObserves

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