Asshat of the Day: The Blue Minivan Ballet
One woman’s panic attack becomes everyone’s problem.
It’s 7:43 a.m. on the interstate morning commute. The air smells like burnt coffee and regret. The sun is barely up, and the traffic gods have already chosen their instrument of torment: a blue minivan in the left lane.
Behind the wheel sits a woman locked in mortal combat with the concept of “maintaining speed.” She’s white-knuckling the steering wheel like her life depends on it—because in her mind, it does. Her kids are screaming in the back seat, the family dog is pacing between the windows like it’s trying to escape a sinking ship, and she’s doing a one-woman performance of Fight or Flight: The Musical.
Fifty-five. Fifty. Forty-five. Back to fifty. Then a surge of bravery—fifty-five again! The rest of us are trapped in her anxiety spiral, conducting a slow-motion ballet of brake lights and bad decisions.
Every time someone tries to pass on the right, she panics and speeds up just enough to ruin the gap. Then slows down again. It’s less driving, more performance art—a hypnotic loop of hesitation and terror. Behind her, an entire parade of commuters is late, seething, and questioning whether free will even exists.
When I finally slingshot past—heart pounding like I just escaped a hostage situation—I glance over. She’s mouthing something to herself: “Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm.” Meanwhile, one child is pelting the other with Goldfish crackers, and the dog’s face says, we’ve seen too much.
By the next exit, I’m considering therapy, religion, or both. The left lane is a trauma site; the right lane, a war zone. Civilization may never recover.
Diagnosis:
Severe interstate anxiety with chronic speed inconsistency and white-knuckle syndrome.
Recommended Treatment:
Guided exposure to the right lane, instructor present. Breathing exercises between exits. Optional reward system involving wine.
Moral:
It’s okay to be afraid of the highway—just don’t make it everyone else’s therapy session.
#traffic #roadRage #minivan #parentingFails #BlueMinivanBallet #dumbdecisionsdaily
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